Ramifications of Lacking Discipline

I should introduce this piece of writing by stating outright that I do not have the disciplinary background to do a single activity for longer than a few months at a time– so to sit here and state this while being perfectly clear about my message (for this post appears to be ironic or resembling a total contradiction) seems to be inverse to the main point, as many years of typographical practice have led me to this point.

Aside from my daily life of dawdling, working, or studying any subject which comes across my mind at seemingly random intervals, I’m pretty much just like any other ordinary person. I wish to do more. My current job is not my passion to any degree– verily, I’m quite unhappy with their behaviors toward me of late. [And damn, this coconut lemonade is really strange.] Being a part-time worker is BARELY covering bills. As someone who likes to think and read all day, being a dining room cleaner isn’t what I envisioned my life to be twelve years after graduating high school. My ability to foretell years into the future, just as with a lot of people, is limited. So it is with much disdain that I must be stuck working at a place which does not respect me. This is probably quite applicable to most people, but the yearning to do more than cleaning up dishes after people have finished them leads me to believe that it’s a dead-end job which I must leave soon.

Commiserate. You might not, but those who do have been in my shoes, and perhaps for much longer than might bear unnecessary repeating. You may believe this will become a post about whining about working for others and making money for someone other than myself. That may certainly be true, but my lack of discipline didn’t let me brainstorm. I’m just winging it just as I do most anything else on any given day.

So, what should I talk about? Surely, there must be something I wish to get off my chest if I have decided to sit down here for a few minutes. Perhaps, yes, I do have some venting– perhaps no more about my job (which I’ve already done) but probably that I wish for something great to come to fruition. Being stuck at the bottom of the hierarchical society of income earners, it’s difficult to simply do something. More so out of uncertainty and fear do I dare hesitate. What else do I know? I haven’t really trained myself for anything else. I attempted to get back into electrician’s work, but the aptitude test decided that I’m not fit to perform that kind of work. Go figure– when I was in the Navy, I didn’t feel a connection (figuratively speaking) to the work I was doing. I had felt that my time in the military was nothing more than filling a job slot, and for some reason my ASVAB didn’t make me feel good about my intellectual capacity to any degree.

My strongest ability for anything is writing. Captain Obvious would probably tell me, “You should write more often.” I have had many people actually tell me throughout my life exactly this kind of phrase, very repeatedly. My honest response to all of this is simply this: “I don’t know the first thing about being a writer, other than that I can write.” And it is true.

But when it comes down to it, I don’t have a style of writing other than this which you’re reading now (if you made it this far). What I’d stated about not knowing the first thing about writing is true– I don’t know what this really is other than a first-person narrative. Autobiography? Maybe if I made an autobiography, I would discover some things about myself which have been hidden from me for so long, if I really sit down and put my mind to it. But I still don’t know with whom I should speak. I have Googled thousands upon thousands of things over my life on the internet when I really started using it (perhaps around the age of 21 when i ended my Navy stint). None of it involved publishing, or the writing field in any fashion. It never occurred to me to consider using the Internet as a tool for writing, except for the short excerpts you see on my page right now.

And here, at least, I can place anything I need to state, regardless of the amount of importance I hope you imbibe from reading this. I might be missing some massive mark by a minuscule distance by uttering with brash hopelessness, “Maybe people don’t care about autobiographies because only the most important men and women have ever written them.” By the gods, I do hope I am wrong. And besides, this one post would be far too short to be anything close to any biographies ever published. Perhaps it could be part of a compilation?

Skills vary. A nobody like myself would probably not have the minimum 200-page book, but with enough information compiled, I’m sure I could fill at least two volumes. My memory would have to be outstanding to remember certain details. (I like how I’m pondering this in the form of writing, knowing it could actually be a part of something bigger, kind of in a write-as-you-go manner.) I have certainly done nothing which deserves exemplary national recognition, that’s absolute. But my experiences are my own, and perhaps this is what people wish to see in such a book. We’ll see if this is a project I can sustain; being that I have given myself the task of studying logic books for greater than a couple of months at a time, maybe I can include several projects? I don’t know for certain. If I even keep this up after this has finished, at least I’ll know later that I have a solid start with this… this… foreword? Suffice it to say that this will be interesting. I’ll start soon enough. I’ll begin with some notes, I suppose. I’ll give this some serious consideration in the coming days.

Until the next time I appear here,

Gesundheit.

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