Pros and Cons of Being Tall

200.7 cm. Five-foot-eighteen-ish.

These are the measurements which I provide to people who, on a more frequent basis than is comfortable for me, inquire regarding my height. At a 6’7” tall composure, and 250 pounds, I am what some may call unique. According to a random search landing me to http://investing.calsci.com/statistics.html, 130,000 people are right around Michael Jordan’s height. I surpass this just a little bit, but from a population of greater than 310 million people in the United States, I would have to say that I belong to a certain class / group / label of rare heights; hence, the term unique from a bit ago. You would think I was exhilarated by this knowledge. Alas, strangely being this tall is not as awesome as you may think. The following are a list of detailed pros and cons to being in an elite group.

Pro: The ceiling is easy to reach; ergo, all cabinets are accessible without a chair. For reasons more obvious, I can reach all the hiding spots that you may have selected at some point to hide a gift. Sorry, but ha-ha. If you need help with a particular cup, coffee mug, or plate, imagine how funny it is when I see the struggle you exert or the pouting face you make when I decide to read instead.

Pro: Seriously, sweeping toys off the roof doesn’t pose a challenge to me. Just get me a broom and I’ll get it down. No ladders involved. Rain gutters? Sweep. But this, of course, ensures that the height of the roof lends me the accessibility with the correct tools. An angular brush with a handle will be exceedingly effective, but if the roof is too high, obviously it is not a house– it is just a convenience store.

Con: Yes, bad things happen to us. You know how far it is to the ground when you fall? Less than 7 feet, obviously [smart-ass]. The bigger they are, the harder they fall– literally. A belly flop on pavement can be much harder on us giants than it would be for the average gnome, so be nice to us if we do happen to trip or crash a kick scooter.

Con: Hugging people is the most awkward thing. You either have to be sitting down, stooped over, or in a highly impractical squat to greet your family’s kids. Of course, I can just pick them up, but wear and tear on the spine? Not worth it!

Con: Back pain. As mentioned in the previous point, we’re more susceptible to back injury than shorter people. This is due to physics– the further away a load from the fulcrum, the more weight appears to act on the lever. If we bend over, our larger trunks tend to wear our lumbar region more intensely over time.

Pro: I don’t have to smell your body odor unless you smell really bad. And if I happen to release a nice fart, you had better believe that it will hover on the 4-foot elevation in a path designated by my direction of travel. If I happen to smell bad, then I’m probably not taking very good care of myself. Height doesn’t denote strange scents.

Pro: Shopping at the grocery store is made easier for myself if they happen to have items on the reserve shelf (at the very top of the racks) and the normal shelf intended for the average population is totally empty. You may call upon the powers of the magical giants for assistance with reaching items if you choose. We’re not rude people.

Con: At the store, if something is near the floor, I have to get on the floor to reach it. Average and smaller people have but to squat and they have, through some random sorcery, managed to grab it. Boo on you, practitioners of the dark arts.

Con: Wal-Mart doesn’t carry a single shirt that tall people can wear. Well, they do, but you have to pay $2 more for it. Do I look rich to you? Why do you think I shop here? I don’t make more than the average fast food worker. Such crockery should be reserved only for those wishing to make a profit on the lower class (which is destructive behavior for those who wish for good karma).

Pro: I can look skinny at 250 pounds. That is all.

Con: Toilets made for average people are like the kindergartener toilets shown in Happy Gilmore. That is all I’ll say here. Same applies to tiny chairs.

Pro: I’m in an elite group of the population of the United States so ha-ha.

As we have seen, these are pros and cons (based on personal experience and may not reflect the experiences of others) but I’m sure there are other lists with much larger variances in background.

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4 Comments

  1. I’m 14 and I’m 6″2 my friends always look up at me an call me a giant and it’s awkward cuz he’s 5’7 , my joints hurt like crazy, but at the end of the day I love the compliments I get, how handsome I am, and how naturally athletic I am.
    An your quite funny BTW…

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